So basically. This is me. The real me, the one i cant keep out, the over opinionated, angry, rude and senseless me.
This is my negative side.
It's the last thing anyone wants to hear but i need it out. so here it goes. Here is the story.
Last year, i met a guy named Ben, he was incredible, we got along so well, and within a couple weeks we were hanging out every day, just chilling out talking, watching movies playing games doing random dorky shit together.
A month later, i got a call from my best friend Georgia at about 3 25 am, she sounded really stressed and she was my best friend i was worried, i rushed out to find her and see her and talk to her about what was wrong, i found her walking through the dark down my street, we started walking towards Bens, we'd made a bit of a habit of going and seeing him at night, although she had to sneak out, she turned the other way when we got to the end of my street and i asked her why she sounded so upset on the phone, she told me that she though she may have made a mistake and that she lost her virginity to Ben. Of course i did the concerned friend thing, "Did you use protection? I hope you know that you're never getting that back" kind of thing. Anyway. After then Ben and Georgia were in a controversial relationship. Ben was concerned about what people would say if they knew he the 16 year old was going out with Georgia the 13 year old.
And through all this i grew closer to him, he saved my life, quite literally, when my depression got the better of me and i wanted out he held me back and kept me safe. And he promised me somewhere to run "Whenever you are lost , and you cant do anything but cry, i want you to come here, i want to keep you safe"
Mine and Georgia's relationship fell apart, although she still meant the world to me.
One night Georgia threatened me with her life, she didn't do it in words, or in writing, but in movement and promises. I searched the town frantically to find her and keep her safe. I called any number of association i had and so did Ben.
The next day i called her and you know what she told me when i asked her if she was ok "Im fine whats the big deal?"
That simple?
Anyway, lets skip all the nonsense. after 5 months Ben left, on good terms to start with, but with what happened to Georgia, it turned to bad.
I needed someone to blame someone other than myself. Before she met him she was strong and pure with the world glued to her back, she was smart and beautiful and glowing, i used to envy her.
He left and she lost all self respect, dignity, love, life, sanity. She lost her beauty. And i blamed him. I could have kept her safe it was my fault.
With everything that happened, i feel weak to influence.
some people around me, very close people, were tied in with drug addictions and alcoholism, and i was dealing with him all the time, i hated him. But i loved him.
And then i started hanging out with him and i realised how happy he was doing what he was doing, i was 13 and every weekend i was drinking and smoking and doing drugs, im not proud.
Then it turned into every night, my education was going down the drain and so was my hope. anyway, the guy i was close to ended up with schizophrenia and my world turned upside down. Suddenly alot of things were given reasoning, and alot of things scared me.
There were many incidents that left me horrified, but i dont want to complain, there was nothing he could have done to stop it.
And every time someone started yelling i took the fight for flight method, i mean even if it was a simple argument i would run as fast as i could, no matter the circumstance, one night i ran out without shoes and nowhere to go, i was running that fast i ran through glass without realising, and my road on my feet hurt enough without glass in my feet.
Anyway, he moved out and my friendship group grew larger and larger, and soon enough i was hanging out with people just like him to fill the void.
And with that, i didnt stop the drugs or drinking, and I got my friend Georgia into them too.
Now shes hooked, and im trying to keep away from it all. But to keep away from the habits means to keep away from my best friend.
Im beginning to exclude myself from the world as a simple solution.
So there you go, that's part of my story. :) And im happy now. It would seem selfish of me to not have been happy through any of it really. There's alot worse situation i could have been in, situations that people are in.
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